Introduction: What is codependency?
Codependency is a psychological condition where an individual has an unhealthy attachment to another person.
A co-dependent person mostly relies on another person to feel fulfilled and happy. They may place too much emphasis on their roles in life and have a tendency to please others.
A co-dependent person is someone who has given the remote control for their happiness to the other person. Then, hope that the other person presses the necessary buttons to keep them happy.
When does codependency in a relationship hurt?
Humans seek connections – social, emotional, physical, financial, and so on.
Connection is important in our relationship with others. It provides us with a sense of belonging and the security that we are not alone in this world.
Therefore, connections should keep us Happy right? Most of the time Yes. Occasionally the connection can cause distress, anxiety, and pain.
Why is that so? How can something that give us sense of belonging and trust, hurt us?
Connections or our relationships is a two-way street keeping it in the right balance is the key.
We give sometimes, we receive sometimes, we care sometimes, we are cared for sometimes there is dependency. And maintaining the dependency in the optimal level determines if our relationship is healthy or not.
What is the optimal level?
That is determined by the parties involved. There are few points given to check if your relationship is Healthy dependency – interdependency or unhealthy dependency – co-dependency.
Interdependency:
In a healthy partnership the boundaries are established, everyone has role to play, there is respect and recognition. This type of dependency is called interdependence can occur in romantic relationships, parental relationships, family and extended family relationships, friendships, and others.
In a relationship dependence slowly weaves and becomes profound overtime. At the start of the relationship, we seldom become clingy or demanding. Over time when the trust builds dependence also grows.
Cultural contributions to co-dependency:
Cultural contributions to co-dependency are often ignored or not understood clearly. This is because people may have different definitions of what co-dependency means or levels it is acceptable.
So, unless co-dependency is understood through an individual’s values, beliefs, and culture any interventions to reduce will not be effective.
Co-dependent relationships can have serious effects on mental health, so it’s important to understand what exactly we are dealing with and how we should approach treatment and recovery.
What Causes Codependency?
As mentioned before co-dependency grows slowly in a relationship, it is less likely to find the causes of co-dependency.
Although there are chances of co-dependency in all relationship the damage it does to long term relationship is devastating.
What are the signs and symptoms of Codependency?
Co-dependency can be difficult to identify, as it is often hidden behind a mask of love and supportiveness.
In therapy the presenting issues will be generally the emotional aspects like the sudden outbursts of anger, resentment, anxiety or fear towards the significant person in their life.
That is the tip of the iceberg underneath will be many other common co-dependency traits.
What are codependency Traits?
Few of the common co-dependency traits are
- Self-esteem issues
- Overly attached to the roles playing
- Setting boundaries
Self-esteem is a person’s overall conscious evaluation of their own personal worth. The basis of developing self-esteem starts in childhood, develops through adolescence, and reaches a point in adulthood.
In theory, self-esteem is based on our inner self-evaluations and the behavioural affirmations we get from others. If it matches to a degree then it is fair to say you have the appropriate level of self-esteem.
Imagine as a child you are constantly criticised and not valued then you grow up thinking you are a failure and then you seek or pick affirmations from others to match the inner voice. This can lead to having low self-esteem.
On the other hand, you want to rebel against the inner critique and create an artificial sense of supremacy over others this is seen as arrogance.
There is another form of self-esteem that is built on the things outside to compensate for the inner critique negative affirmations.
For instance, S comes to therapy when you try to build rapport and ask introductory questions the talk is 90% about the area she lives in, her children’s academic performance, and her spouse’s professional accomplishments, etc. When you clarify and repeat the question again the answer is “I’m just a…”
This could imply that the self-esteem of S relies heavily on others and not from the inside. Getting this kind of satisfaction or enjoyment from the achievement of people around could be fine.
But if one builds their self-worth entirely based on external sources then it becomes problematic. The dynamics that affect the performance of people around them are beyond S control making her self-worth evaluation fragile.
In other words, if her children fail academically, then S self-esteem is shattered. Instead of objectively looking at the reasons for the children’s failure S becomes depressed and anxious.
It is very common to feel too attached to the roles we are playing in our family. Often we make sacrifices and do what we think is best even when it hurts us. But the truth of the matter is that this behaviour is not good for our health or for our relationships with others.
For instance: B has been a provider for his family and had always looked after the finances of the family. Now his adult children have started earning and B interferes with the children’s finance and tries to control their spending etc.
Children want their independence and there are lot of conflicts between B and his children. Slowly the relationship is deteriorating. B is so attached to his role as provider and finance head that he is sabotaging the father child relationship.
The evolving role of parents, especially with children approaching adolescence, means that their roles in the family need to be re-evaluated and their boundaries need to be set
It’s not easy to break free from these attachments, all have immense love and affection for each other. However, since B is not letting go of his attached role there is no peace in the family.
Boundary is like a fence that we draw around us, there are three purposes of the boundary
- To keep people from coming into our space and abusing us,
- Keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them
- Setting a space to help us reflect on who we are and accepting our imperfection.
At the beginning in a relationship the boundaries issues do not arise. People just forgive and forget without making boundary issues a big deal. As the time goes the violation of boundary issues becomes visible. It is not an easy task to draw the boundary in an established relationship.
These are few of the symptoms of co-dependency. Again, these are all generic and if you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms it does not mean you are pathologically co-dependent. There are several other factors that needs to be considered.
How to Identify Codependency
The difference between dependency and co-dependency can be very hard to identify. So, the general rule is if you feel suffocated or think your partner is clingy then it is important for both parties of the relationship to take a step back and analyse few things before it is too late.
How to fix codependency
To fix codependency you will need professional help.
In therapy we will undertake some “overcoming co-dependency exercises” to restore and heal the relationship.
How to overcome codependency
Overcoming codependency is complex because you need to unplug and rewire how you connect with others.
There are many ways to do it, some of them are discussed below
- Understand your past
- Develop a strong foundation of self-love and self-care
- Establish your goals
- Find support and connect with others who will love you for you
Understand your past
Childhood trauma affects many of our lives whether you were abused, witnessed abuse, or had any other experience with trauma. We may have come to terms with what happened to us years ago, but there are still effects that linger on.
These memories might be affecting on how we connect with other years later.
In therapy, strategies are drawn to accept what happened so many years ago. Provide support to understand the effects of childhood trauma in your current life stage.
To build a strong foundation of self-love and self-care, it is essential to have a solid understanding of the word’s meaning.
Self-esteem is a ‘proper respect for oneself’ feeling of one’s own worth or respectability.
Self-love on the other hand, is a state of being filled with an unconditional love for oneself without expectation or neediness. It implies feeling love from yourself and not from someone else.
As humans, we have an innate ability to love ourselves unconditionally because it is our natural instinct. However, sometimes this can be difficult because we are usually faced with a lot of outside influences that tell us otherwise.
Self-love is not just about good looks it is about keeping our minds healthy, so that we can carry out our daily tasks with ease. When we start enjoying our lives and stop taking everything and everyone so seriously, we can break the cycle if co-dependency.
To achieve self-love, we need to have a proper self-care routine. This will be further explored in therapy.
Establish your goals
At every stage of life, we have some established goals
-to be successful in what we do
-to be an influential leader in your field
-to create positive change in the world
When you are trying to fix or overcome co-dependency the overall goals are usually
-to lead a balanced life in terms of work and family
-have a conflict free relationship
Based on your cultural, family and values the overall goals are then broken down to small achievable goals. Strategies to break the cycle are discussed and exercises to achieve the small goals are designed in therapy.
Connecting with a group that appreciate and love you for who you are is important. This does not mean to break free from the current connections and runaway.
This means find an activity that you like and commit to do it for your inner peace. connecting with people who share similar interests and who love you for you. Nowadays, finding like-minded people is easy through social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, etc.
Overcoming codependency exercises
These are few of the exercises you can do to overcome co-dependency and save yourself from its negative impacts on your well-being.
There is no one size fits all tool to fix co-dependency. It requires scrutiny of how you are connecting with people, what you are doing, why you are doing and how to change it effectively.
To conclude,
the signs and symptoms of co-dependency are difficult to analyse. Trauma, life transitions, grief, and loss can cause a healthy relationship to look like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.
If you feel resentful, angry, and depressed cannot function to your best capabilities in the environment then it is time to seek professional help.
No matter how far back the problem has been in your life if there is a will to change then there is hope. We might or might not restore the relationship to its past glory.
However, it will at least help you from avoiding certain pitfalls so that you don’t go through the bumpy road again with your connections in the future.
– Rathna Senthil Vel
